romanticizing my life: failing to look at the smaller picture
every once in a while, i'll find myself watching vloggers on youtube who have the practice of romanticizing life down to an art form. i know, i know- the dangers of believing everything you watch on social media will lead to your downfall. some things are so unobtainable, you should stop before you start. but here's the thing- even if i had an ounce more of love for the mundane of my life, wouldn't that be worth it?
unfortunately, for me, a lot of my romanticizing of life falls directly into consumerism. i tend to buy a lot of things i really don't need and i fall into a trap of collecting for the sake of collecting. i would bring up squishmallows as an example, but currently, i enjoy the process that comes with keeping those little guys too much to fully admit that buying them is probably not what i should be spending my money on right now.
"should." man, i hate that word. i'm 23 and unemployed. i don't drive. i don't have any productive hobbies. i'm not contributing to our society in the traditional way at all. and i know i should be aiming for these things, because that's what everyone aims for. and i should be trying to become financially stable and i should be working on becoming independent and i should be changing the way i approach life. i get it. there's no real closing to this line of thinking. that's it. i know. i agree. and yet-
there's always a part of me that thinks i'm genuinely just not made to live in the world we live in. that i'm fundamentally broken beyond repair. that my inability to hold a job or hold interest in things is just a sign that i'm not cut out for this. man..... man.
i was not planning on writing about any of this, but really and truly, what did i expect? i can't talk about what i want for my day to day life when i still can't face the fact that living day-to-day isn't acceptable. that people are tired of me being dependent on them. that I'M tired. i'm so tired.